Screw-on cap or cork?

There comes a time in every man's life when he is asked a question that makes him search his soul:

"You're trapped on Gilligan's Island--Marianne or Ginger?"

I used to ask that question of candidates when I was HR director of a major US bank.

I'm no longer HR director of a major US bank.

I blame credit default swaps. 

Anyway, it's a trick question, and the answer is: "Mrs. Howell."  The three guys that got it didn't even know her real first name.  Which is "Eunice."  Hey--if you don't know anything about "Gilligan's Island," how can you sell Joe Sixpack a fifteen year adjustable rate mortgage based on the LIBOR index plus a spread of 200 basis points?

It's obvious where I am going with this metaphor:

Ginger is a French evergreen cork.

Marianne is a screw-on cap.

And Mrs. Howell is a polypropylene synthetic cork.

Why does this matter?

Common studies have found that approximately 7% of California wine is "corked"--in other words, has an element of cork-taint.

When we inquire as to why wines are even bottled with corks anymore, the common answer is, "Because of tradition."

But Chevrolet doesn't say, "Louis Chevrolet drove race cars with cork breaks.  They will fail 7% of the time--but we are putting them on the new Corvette because of tradition..."

A more valid answer might if a wine is meant to be aged, a natural cork would allow a couple oxygen molecules per year to enter the bottle and the miniscule "breathing" would make the wine age better.

Some say less than a percentage point of wines benefit from aging.  I don't think even a French oenophile would contend that a Beaujolais Villages would benefit from aging.  Probably it would be safe to say that a Beaujolais Villages could either stay the same or get marginally worse.  The tradeoff does not seem to make sense. 

During the Algerian War, I got really thirsty, and sometimes I would lose my corkscrew.  Most Berber storekeepers  did not carry them, because red wine is not hallal.

As a waiter, I am tired of explaining that screw-on caps are not just for bum wines anymore.  I guess that's part of the job...

Another argument--and this is an argument restaurant managers make against automatic chargeable wine openers--is that "customers like to hear the 'pop.'"  That would lean one towards synthetic corks.

For personal drinking, I am leaning towards screw-ons.  Also, for vintners, I like the "cockiness" that a screw-on proclaims. 

It says, "I know the rules--and I am hereby breaking the rules."

Plus I am tired of these punk college kid waiters not giving me my wine keys back...